The Black Lodge: Where No Man Has Gone Before
by Stagecoach
Summary: Twin Peaks/Star Trek: The Original Series/Fear Factor Fan Fiction. Captain Kirk enters Twin Peaks, and enlists Agent Cooper's help to rescue Mr. Spock from the Black Lodge.


Author Disclaimer:

I did not create, and do not own the rights to _Star Trek_, _Twin Peaks_, or _Fear Factor_. This story was not written for profit, and was not intended to infringe upon the copyright of each show's respective owner. Please don't sue.

**The Black Lodge: Boldly Going Where No Man Has Gone Before**

"Captains Log. Stardate 1312, 44. My name is Captain James T. Kirk. Upon entering the vortex that appeared off the side of M113, I lost consciousness. I don't know what has happened, but I am no longer on the Enterprise. I currently am not aware of the location of any of my crew. I will explore the surroundings and assess the situation."

Kirk put away his voice recorder and looked around. He was among a small grove of trees. It was almost dark, but the owls were already out. Their sounds made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. He had the uncanny feeling that somebody was watching him. Looking around, he saw a small puddle of liquid in the center of the grove. It emitted the faint aroma of motor oil. Bewildered, Kirk cautiously proceeded through the trees.

The further away he got from the grove, the more faint the owl sounds became. All was quiet. However, one sound interrupted the silence.

"Captain! Captain! Kirk!" cried a familiar voice.

"Spock? Where are you?" Responded Kirk. Spock's voice seemed to come from the direction he had just come from. He rushed through the forest, pushing brush and foliage out of his way. As he returned to the grove, he witnessed a strange sight: large red curtains, rippling slightly. "Spock! Where are you?" yelled Kirk. There was no reply. Kirk spun around, glancing nervously in every direction. When he turned back towards the curtain, it had vanished.

Agent Dale Cooper of the F.B.I. entered the Railroad diner, which was empty except for Shelly Johnson and a man in a strange beige uniform sitting at one of the booths. Cooper sat down at the counter, ordered a piece of pie, and pulled out his tape recorder.

"Diane, Earle strikes again. During his last visit to the police office, he left a strange badge along with his latest victim. It's a strange shape, sort of like a triangle, but with a semicircle cut out of it. I've never seen anything like it. Anyway, despite our best efforts, we've been unable to locate Earle. Perhaps if I can decipher the meaning of this object, I'll be able to get closer to finding him. I will later utilize Tibetan method to expose its mysteries."

Kirk's ears perked up at the mention of the badge. He turned around, trying to not reveal that he was eavesdropping. A man with slick, black hair sat at the counter, eating a piece of cherry pie. The man held a small object in his hand, and was staring intently at it. Kirk's hand absentmindedly moved to his chest, and as he played with his badge, realized what the object was in the man's hand. "What happened to Spock?" he thought to himself. Kirk hated mysteries; they gave him a bellyache, and he certainly had a beauty right now. He listened further, hoping to learn more.

"Through our investigation, we've determined that Earle is attempting to enter a place called 'the black lodge' through the woods outside of town. Whether or not he already has access to it is unknown. Deputy Hawke tells me that the black lodge is a place of pure evil. I can only imagine what's in there. On a lighter note, I had the greatest cup of coffee today at the Great Northern Hotel. It was fantastic!" Cooper turned to the waitress. "Shelly, can you get me something savory? Can't live on pie and coffee alone! After all, you need salt to live!"

Kirk eyed the man eating at the counter. This man somehow had Spock's insignia badge. He walked over to the man, and tapped him on the shoulder. "My name is Captain James Tiberius Kirk, and I have some information for you."

"Dale Cooper, FBI." Cooper looked at Kirk's badge, which matched the one in his hand. "I see that we do have something to talk about."

Cooper debriefed Kirk on the Windom Earle situation, and in turn learned of Kirk's predicament and the capture of Mr. Spock.

"Kirk, I don't know what Earle wants with Mr. Spock. Perhaps he means to try and harness the power of the lodge, to what ends I don't know."

"Agent, all I know is that I need to rescue my friend." Responded Kirk. "I will do anything to get him back."

It was dark when Agent Cooper and Captain Kirk entered the forest and proceeded to Glastonbury Grove, the entrance to the Black Lodge. As they approached, they saw the red curtains appear before their eyes.

"Kirk, the black lodge is a place of pure evil. Are you sure you want to enter?" asked Cooper.

"Yes, if that's what it takes to rescue Spock."

"Remember, Kirk: Fear is what takes you to the black lodge. You must remain courageous; otherwise, you will surely perish. I'll wait out here for your return." Kirk pushed back the red curtains, stepping into the unknown. Strangely, he entered a small curtained corridor, with a black and white tiled floor. He proceeded cautiously, not knowing if each move would be his last. At the end of the corridor was a curtained entryway. As he came into the next room, what he heard was so foul it chilled his soul.

"Welcome. I'm Joe Rogan, and this is _Fear Factor_. There are three tasks that you must complete. All of them will test your ability to conquer your fears. Today, you'll be competing against one Windom Earle."

The first two tasks were easy; Kirk's adventures in space made both fighting a doppelganger of Leo Johnson and running across a tightrope extended over Twin Peaks seem like nothing. However, the challenge was only beginning. Joe Rogan left the room for a second, and promptly returned holding a dish with food on it.

"And here, for the eating portion, we have the Twin Peaks special. While it may appear to be cherry pie, it's actually something much more entertaining." Rogan sliced open the piecrust with a knife, revealing the vile contents. "Instead of cherry, we have owl feces, shavings from Log Lady's log, strands of hair from Leo Johnson's ponytail, and some other things that, frankly, you're better off not knowing about."

"Kirk." Earle turned and whispered in Kirk's ear. "I have a proposition for you. If you give me your soul, I'll throw the competition and allow you to retrieve Spock."

"That's enough, Mr. Earle." Joe Rogan walked over, placed his hand on Earle's shoulder, and Earle promptly exploded in flames. "He can't ask you to do something like that. Only I can." He motioned to the disgusting food. "Shall we?"

Kirk looked at the dish, and slowly brought it to his mouth. As he opened his mouth to take the first bite, the aroma made him gag. He couldn't do it. He glanced at all corners of the room, searching for an exit. He was afraid. Kirk threw down the vile entrée and ran. As he sprinted down the hall, he heard additional footsteps behind him; somebody was following him. Each time he ran through the hall, he ended up back where he started. A hand seized his shoulder, and everything went dark.

*

"Captain! Captain! Wake up!" Lieutenant Sulu stood above Kirk, shaking him slightly. Kirk's eyes fluttered open.

"Where am I?"

"Captain, you're on the Enterprise, just like you were yesterday. Are you all right? You've been asleep for days!"

"I wasn't sleeping." Responded Kirk gruffly. "Where's Spock?"

"Mr. Spock is on the bridge." Kirk stood up, and quickly headed to the adjacent room, closing the door behind him. Sulu was puzzled; he'd never seen the captain act this way before. There was also something strangely unnerving about his eyes. Unsure exactly how to act, Sulu decided to leave the captain to his own devices. As he walked toward the door, he heard a loud crash behind him. He ran towards the door that Kirk had entered, only to find it locked.

"Captain! Captain! Are you ok?" Cried Sulu. His only response was an unintelligible phrase, punctuated by maniacal laughter.


End file.
